The “I’m Sorry” Debate
So, what’s the big deal about saying “I’m sorry”? Why has this tiny phrase become such a mind-bender?
The field of psychology has devoted much time and many resources to studying the act of apologising. There are studies saying that apologising can lead to a loss of respect and credibility. There are studies showing the women apologise more than men, particularly in the workplace, and this is hurting their career trajectories and professional development.
Other studies explore the damage that can be done within relationships when one party refuses to apologise, no matter what. When we introduce power dynamics and the law into the conversation, apologising takes on further complications – “Am I making an admission of guilt that will leave me liable?”
With all this research, seeming to offer completely opposite conclusions, the personal question “Should I apologise?” has become a minefield.
The Pros & Cons of Sorry
A genuine and valid apology can be a sign of positive qualities such as honesty, transparency, humility and empathy. These qualities help to build strong, lasting relationships and can be a tool for healing.
On the other hand, an insincere apology, over-apologising or being guilted into saying “I’m sorry” can be annoying, impact your self-esteem and lessen the impact of future apologies.
So how can we know which action to take?
When to Apologise
There are occasions when we need to step up, admit our mistake and give a genuine apology. All of us are imperfect and that means that sometimes, we make a mistake or we hurt someone (intentionally or accidentally). In these situations, a self-aware person will have the insight and humility to take the initiative to apologise. Admitting you’re wrong is never easy, but it can strengthen your relationships and deepen your emotional intelligence. Being willing to take responsibility for a mistake can actually build credibility and respect.
Apologise when:
- the mistake is yours
- you’ve done something (even unintentionally) that has disadvantaged someone else
Remember, an apology is a recognition of your mistake but also, perhaps more importantly, a recognition that your actions impact other people.
The Components of a Genuine “Sorry”
When we feel the need to make a valid apology, how can we go about making sure our “I’m sorry” is genuine?
- Simplicity – rambling or speaking at length can quickly become a justification, which undermines the sincerity of our apology. It also tends to put the focus back on us and can give them impression that we are out to make ourselves feel better, instead of thinking of the person we have hurt or affected.
- Accountability– have you ever had someone say “I’m sorry you feel hurt”? We might think that we are showing consideration but what we are actually doing is off-loading the responsibility for the interaction onto the other person. There is a misunderstanding, hurt or damage because of them and how they have responded. It’s not taking responsibility for the part we have played in this interaction. A genuine apology will include an “I” statement taking accountability for the impact of our actions . “I am sorry for my tone during our conversation”, “I am sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier”, “I am sorry for ignoring your feelings” – these are examples of some statements we may include in our apology showing that we acknowledge our part in the relationship breakdown.
- Action – doing the same hurtful thing over and over again and expecting an apology to keep fixing it is not going to work. To build strong, lasting and happy relationships we need to learn from our experiences and make changes to our behaviour. The sincerity of our apology is backed up by the efforts we make in the future to grow as a person and to make positive changes.
When Not to Apologise
Having explored the above, we now turn our attention to the times when apologising is not necessary and will do harm, rather than good. There are some occasions when we may feel pressured to say “I’m sorry” and we should say something else.
Don’t apologise:
- when you don’t mean it – an insincere apology is never a good idea. If you genuinely stand by your words and actions, don’t offer a false apology. Beware though, you may lose the relationship because of it. Whilst you may feel you have not done anything wrong, the other person may disagree and you cannot control the thoughts and feelings of others. You do need to accept the consequences of your decisions.
- for challenging ideas – respectfully disagreeing or challenging an idea in a conversation or meeting (especially in a workplace setting) is a good thing. The point of discussion is to generate ideas, enrich viewpoints and inspire creative thinking. If you wish to interject with your idea, thought or opinion, as long as you take your turn and avoid aggression in any form, there is no need to preface your contribution with an apology.
- for maintaining your integrity – if someone is pushing you and trying to overstep a personal boundary or force you to act against your personal values, you are not obligated to apologise or comply. A firm, but tactful, “No” is a complete sentence and you do not have to apologise for have beliefs, values, standards and morals. Just remember to show to others the same respect you wish to experience.
- as a reflex – apologising as a matter of default or automatically dilutes our genuine apologies in times of need. Not everything that happens is our fault, in our control or is a big deal. Some smaller inconveniences can simply be let go and do not need to become an issue. It is important to note that we need to show an understanding and forgiving attitude towards others if we want the same from them.
What Can I Say Instead?
If, after some self-reflection, we find we are in the habit of apologising by default or on unnecessary occasions, here are some alternatives we could try:
(These are not blanket substitutions for all occasions. If our discussion has shown anything, it’s that apologising is a time for careful thought before acting.)
- Instead of “I’m sorry I’m late” – say “Thank-you for waiting”
- Instead of “I’m sorry I’ve been so needy lately” – say “Thank-you for supporting me”
- Instead of “I’m sorry to ask you again” – say “Thank-you for helping me”
- Instead of “I’m sorry for being emotional” – say “Thank-you for understanding and loving me”
- Instead of “I’m sorry to interrupt” – say “Excuse me…”
- Instead of “I’m sorry to bother you” – say “Thank-you for your time”
Two little words – “I’m sorry” – and yet they can be the source of so much angst, confusion and debate. The answer is not a simple one. Perhaps, the best course of action we can take is to develop the skills to reflect on our actions, learn healthy strategies for expressing our feelings, embrace opportunities to grow as a person and develop empathy and compassion for others. With these skills as our guides, we can approach our relationships and apologies in a healthy, mindful way.