Trust is a critical component of all relationships – personal and professional. Betrayal is one of the most intense experiences a person can endure. Given the importance of this quality, how can we build and grow trust within our relationships?
Trust does not happen automatically and it cannot be demanded. We need to earn trust and acknowledge that it is often built gradually, as an accumulation of many small actions.
To trust someone we need:
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shared values
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a belief that the other person’s heart is in the right place
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belief they have the knowledge, skills and competence to do their job well (whatever that job is)
To be someone who is trustworthy we need:
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Integrity – maintain consistency in what we say and what we do, when people are watching and when we are alone
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Honesty & discretion – show people that we can be trusted to think of others before ourselves and that we can respect boundaries
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Reliability – if we want someone to trust us, we need to give them a reason to believe that we will do as we say, we will keep our word and we will appreciate their trust in us
So how can we approach our relationships in order to build trust?
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Learn how to communicate effectively – many relationship issues are the result of misunderstanding and poor communication. Good communication involves learning both how to speak and how to listen. Developing our skills will be an ongoing process but our work will be worth the effort.
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Value the relationships you have and don’t take people for granted – everyone likes to be appreciated and feel valued. A friend, family member or colleague who drops in and out of our lives at random or on a whim, who only shows up when it’s beneficial to them is not someone who will inspire trust. If we want good friends, we need to be a good friend.
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Display openness and be willing to be vulnerable – it is difficult to truly trust someone we don’t know. If we have a tendency to keep things close to our chest, we may find ourselves putting the brakes on the development of trust. It is completely our right to choose what we do and do not want to share. No one has an innate right to us as a person and not all relationships are the same. What may be appropriate to share with a close friend may not be the right choice for a workplace relationship. Even with all this in mind, if we genuinely want to build a strong relationship we will need to be willing to open ourselves and offer pieces of our thoughts, feelings and experiences. Our doing so inspires the same from others and starts an ebb and flow dialogue between the relationship parties.
What if trust has been broken at some point? Is it possible to repair the damaged trust and rebuild the relationship?
Whether we are the injured party or we are the one who inflicted hurt, here are a few things to keep in mind:
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It will take time – just as the initial building of trust takes time, rebuilding it will also take time. And we cannot rush the process. Things may be awkward for a time and the relationship may not go back to exactly the way it was, but if both parties are willing to do the work and approach each other with respect and honesty, trust can be repaired and a new relationship can be built.
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Feelings are valid – people feel the way they feel and it is not up to us to judge the feelings of others. Repressing our feelings is generally agreed to be unhealthy for our mental health. When there has been hurt inflicted and trust has been broken, we need to acknowledge the existence and validity of both our own feelings and those of the other person. Recognise our contribution to the issue and allow the space and time needed to heal.
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Commit to honesty – if we feel we cannot trust someone again, don’t let them believe everything is fine – it will do further damage. Be honest about how we feel and where we are at in our rebuilding journey.
Without trust, relationships are superficial and fleeting. Building trust – becoming a trustworthy person ourself and opening up to others – is worth our time and effort. Happy and strong relationships make us happier, bring us joy and add meaning to our lives.